This is a topic that I have struggled with for the past 5 1/2 years. I have written many journal entries and had many conversations with Steven, but I just can't get past this. It's not something I think about all the time, but every now and then something reminds me of them. This happened tonight and I needed a way to vent.
I have had so many fabulous friends over the course of my lifetime. I have lost some friends that I thought would be with me for the rest of my life. I have gained some friends that I know will be my friends forever and who have been so very true to me and I only hope that I have been the same to them in return.
The hardest part has been losing the friends that I thought were my bests. I know God allows things to happen for a reason and he has bigger and better plans for me. But, I have struggled with not knowing if I could have done anything more to save these friendships. The friends that I lost were girls I imagined being in my wedding and planning without them has been difficult because in the back of my head I'm wondering what it'd be like with them.
I had to make some really hard decisions - choosing between my family, my religion, Steven, my well-being and these friends. I do not regret any decisions I made, but I do wonder if I had handled some conversations differently if the outcomes would have been different.
As a Christian, I knew I would face battles that would test my faith. I just never thought it would come from someone I had known my entire life.
Here are questions that I have, but never had the chance to ask:
Was it hard for you to throw away our friendship?
What did you tell your parents?
Did you blame me?
Does it not bother you that our lifetime of friendship just desolved?
Did it not bother you when you were hurting me?
What could I have done differently? (Not that I would have chosen a different path, but I'm curious).
All of the situations were completely different. All of the people were completely different. All of these things happened at completely different times. I'm wondering if the reason the friendships fell apart was my fault. I don't like to think it was. I don't think I've changed. I firmly believe that I've stuck to my morals and beliefs (which were the same before and after these fall outs). I've grown and matured since then - I'm not sure some of my old friends have.
I am extremely happy with the people that are currently in my life, but I really do miss some of my old friends. We have gotten together for dinner and things, but something is missing. We have grown apart and I'll be the first one to admit that maybe when our friendships ended it was the best thing.
